A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

Men are like fine wine - they start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Never lick a steak knife.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.